Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.