I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.