Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
School be like
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Usage Guidelines
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.