Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.