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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
it’s finally my moment to shine
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.