Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My dress code is business-casualty.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.