I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
😲 WTF? 😆
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.