The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Wake me when AI does housework