My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR