Oh. My. God.
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
brian had himself a morning…
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.