[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
🤣😂
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.