The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”