Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*