dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
i want the dreams to chase me for once
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.