I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise