*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.