I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.