The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
the #horror is real!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Can’t stop laughing
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
what it’s like dating me:
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.