Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.