“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
when dads have a rap battle
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.