Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
This is the one
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]