My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”