Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
These are too funny not to post 😂