My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there