Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I’m calling the cops.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?