[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*