Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
hmm conte-me mais