can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.