My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
CRYING
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.