Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
😬
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The dark side of Canada
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.