People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Is fake venison called venisn’t
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.