me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics