BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Admin smashed it 😂
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I only treason on days ending in y
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
It’s actually Dr. whatever