I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.