Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
When your man makes a valid point
I don’t get marriage
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now