Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.