me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
A new level of troll.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I can’t wait!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT