A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.