Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower