“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.