I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.