6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
You Might Also Like
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I ate everything, including the H.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
😅😅😅
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?