Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
my retirement plan is braless
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”