“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.