DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless