“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter