My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Solving a traffic jam
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.