My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“TGIM!” – My liver
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place