I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Guilty! 🤪
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people