#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
You Might Also Like
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
…żyje?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex